Many families develop certain patterns and behaviors that may seem normal from the inside but can actually be unhealthy or dysfunctional. Here’s what we understand: in families with dysfunction, there are often unhealthy ways of handling emotions that have become normalized over time. As adults we find ourselves falling back into these patterns unconsciously, leading to dissatisfying relationships, a diminished sense of self worth and more. 

It's important to remember that nothing can be changed that isn't acknowledged first, and considering these common styles of unhealthy engagement in families, you may find yourself identifying with one or more in your own history. Take note of where you're relating in your journal and write your thoughts on those you felt resonated with you.  This may be difficult, and I encourage you to do this from a grounded, calm place, setting an intention of healing and introspection.  

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Common Unhealthy Patterns:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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3. Conflict Avoidance: Some families may have a tendency to sweep issues under the rug rather than addressing them. This can create a cycle where unresolved problems fester, ultimately leading to more significant conflicts down the line. An individual might engage in conflict avoidance if they have given up and feel as though talking about problems won’t help. ​Later in life this belief system can evolve into avoidance of difficult conversations or even a fatalistic, negative perspective on relationships generally, believing there is no hope for a positive dialogue that can lead to trust and a stronger connection.​

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4. Conditional Love or Approval: If love and acceptance are tied to achievements or behavior, family members may feel they must constantly prove themselves to be valued. This can create immense pressure and lead to low self-esteem. ​Later in life they may find themselves struggling with self worth or with an anxious style of attachment if they are not always needed, often attracting unhealthy “fixer” style relationships that can become overwhelmingly toxic. 
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5. Silencing Vulnerability: Is vulnerability treated as a weakness in your family? If members feel they cannot share their struggles or fears, it can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness. Over time, children come to believe that the expression of need or comfort is shameful within the family, the assumption then becomes the rest of the world is the same.  As adults, they long deeply for intimacy and trust, however feeling genuine connection includes vulnerability, creating a push pull dynamic that is a major hurdle for healthy ways of relating and building healthy relationships. 
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6. Generational Patterns: Unhealthy behaviors can be passed down through generations. If parents exhibit maladaptive behaviors in day to day life and in reacting to stress, children may unconsciously adopt the same patterns, perpetuating dysfunction, particularly if the parent(s) hold authoritarian attitudes regarding the family. 
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7. Parentification: Parentification and poor boundaries go hand in hand. One immediate red flag is when children are born with a "job." This can be anything from "I want someone to love me" "I want to hold a relationship together" "I want someone to take care of me when I'm old" or "I want X (older child) to have a sibling”, to the expectation of age inappropriate responsibilities (childcare for younger siblings, cooking, cleaning, contributing financially to the household or exceptionally high expectations (in academics, sports etc.), or providing emotional support to adult family members. 

Children who become an adult's emotional support system are often exposed to age inappropriate topics, including conflicts between other family members, financial difficulties, substance use, sex lives of parents or other adults with whom they have relationships or connections.  Children in these environments are denied a childhood, opportunities to learn appropriate boundaries and how to "play"; a critical role in healthy maturation in which they practice social skills, learn and grow. 
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8. Role Dynamics:  In some families various individuals can find themselves operating within a role (read more here).This role allows the family to function in certain ways but, in the long term, reliance on roles can be harmful to both the family as a whole and as the individual assigned the role in the first place. This can be particularly exacerbated by changes to those roles which can occur suddenly (such as illness, substance use (or sobriety afterward), job loss).​ For further reading on roles and family systems click here. 

 

Good or bad, family systems work like a machine, and a machine is designed to do a certain thing in a certain, predictable way. If a wheel suddenly becomes a brake, it all falls apart.  So too with changes in family roles, at any stage of life sudden shifts, even positive ones, can be met with suspicion or even resistance despite all involved having good intentions.​ 

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 9. Overcompensation: Understanding the roots of our beliefs in our own childhood as an important step of change. Some individuals who come from dysfunctional family dynamics and therefore strive to do the opposite of the way they themselves were treated in their childhood.  While compensating makes sense emotionally, it can easily become overcompensation, causing different types of conflict. A good example is when we grow up in an impoverished setting or with parents who did not provide a reasonable amount of age appropriate toys and learning experiences showers their children with far more than their peers to make up for it and "do better" by their own kids.

Overcompensation can also cause issues with a potential partner, extended family and can lead to a sense of entitlement, denying kids the opportunity to learn patience (delayed gratification), frustration  tolerance (emotional regulation) and achieve self efficacy (saving money for a desired thing). While the generosity comes from a well intentioned place, these are all important life skills, the absence of which can lead to struggles with motivation, lack of self esteem, and failure to launch, leaving parents wondering why a child that received everything could be unhappy or unable to self start. 
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Family Therapy 

 

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A family that learns skills together can get better by:

• Building a shared vision of why good communication is important. 

• Learning how the change might better things for each individual.

• Implementing the skills to make the changes stick can make greater gains faster than one person trying to change it all on their own for the benefit of everyone.

Individual Therapy

That being said, not every family member is necessarily open to therapy for any number of reasons and they refuse to participate. In those situations, it's important to remember that we can only change aspects of ourselves, attitudes, feelings and behaviors specifically.  Individual therapy can help support individuals to identify and express their needs, establish reasonable boundaries, and better understand key players, all making change easier if only for the person who hopes for that change.  
​​​​There are many ways exploring these concepts can positively impact our lives. ​

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• Self Awareness-understanding where our beliefs and associations about ourselves begin can assist in differentiating who we choose to be from who we were. Increasing self awareness also promotes healthy perspectives of aspects of self previously viewed negatively.

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• Forgiveness-Developing empathy for others when considering their own inherited patterns of dysfunction and ways in which adverse childhood experiences​​ can also improve dynamics.

 

Therapy also teaches how to use healthy coping skills to regulate uncomfortable emotions rather than develop addictions or destructive behaviors. A mental healthcare provider can also help you set boundaries which you will need if you are still in regular contact with your dysfunctional family members. You might need to limit contact with your relatives as you work on your recovery.

​Identity Development and Family Values​

Generally, in Western cultures, part of development during adolescence involves a process called individuation.  In this phase of life we naturally explore our identities, often through establishment of friendships and inclusion in social groups. These associations can change with, from an adult’s perspective, at a dizzying rate of speed.
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One example might be a high achieving athlete quits sports to hang out with “the bad kids.” Often a new wardrobe is a part of the social group identification, signaling the evolution of their identity to others while also testing boundaries of caregivers. Rejection of familial religious beliefs is another area in which adolescents often explore identity, often to the great distress of more conservative family members.

The unconscious action in play is “am I okay being independent?” The behaviors can become a point of conflict, particularly in image conscious families where the child’s self expression is considered a direct reflection of success and parenting.  

As we mature further, our experiences become more influential in our identity. There can be elements of reconciliation with aspects previously rejected, such as returning to sports, perhaps in a noncompetitive way, or building a belief system that, while perhaps not identical to their family of origin, may reflect elements. Ego strength makes this easier. ​

Below please find a worksheet I've compiled to explore some of your embedded beliefs and core values.  Understanding relationships with our values is important to self esteem and personal empowerment. ​I invite you to explore some of these concepts personally by answering eight basic questions that may seem unrelated initially but I assure you there’s a reason!​​
 

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